Spoiler Alert! You have been warned (note I just said that)
Alien Covenant open through the eyes of Michael Fastbender we see him wearing a white tight pajama like suit having a discussion with his creator(not God the scientist)playing some classical music on the piano and looking sexy as hell in general.
He then asks a question to the man who created him when he was not able to answer him he got way too pretentious for a robot pointing out that he knows who is creator is at least and will outlast him because he does not age this robot came with an extra dose of sarcasm.
Then we see the title coming together on a stylish way and fast forward in the future.
The scene open with the same robot being at the command of a ship aiming or trying to colonise a new planet and right away shit hit the fan as a solar blast or some equally random cosmic shit damage the ship.
He manage to stabilise the vessel again but lose their friends James Franco and some other member of the crew which are not James Franco so we focuse more on him.
We see a video of him played on an tablet by his friend in order for us to bound with him then they drap him in sheet and throw him in space where he will presumably float here for eternity and baffle future space archaeologists it look like a space mummy a concept to save for future sci fi horror movie.
So a member of our crew go out on the spaceships in order to repare the shield once successfully completed he comes back to the spaceship his helmet get hijacked and start playing music(rock n roll)and he tries when back on the ship to identify the place where the song come from which is a planet way closer that the one they were aiming for.
Not wanting to get back in their pad sleeping (over sleep in space is boring after some time)they almost mutually decide to reroute their track to go to the closest planet where there is some music playing.
A member of the crew is not happy she objects to this claiming than they did not study the planet beforehand but the captain does not want to have it and already made his decision and being a man he’s naturally stubborn.
So they fly to this planet there is an ominous storm above it (foreshadowing is nothing but a thing)but they take a smaller ship and several member of the crew to visit it braving the element before landing.
They arrive then on the planet which is looking like wild Scotland without the castle their is water and green scenery with a lot of cloudstorm.
When they start walking on it they notice wheat like on earth and find it very weird that earth vegetation can adapt here.
As well they are equipped with futuristic guns(colonisation)so they continue to explore the planet and of course split(horror movie trope)a group find a spaceship in the form of a horse hoof (that’s not gonna bring them luck)while the others go into a sort of forest here one of the guy sit down touch a weird mushroom like thing who release some powder who make it into his ear canal sting and bury deep in his skin(he is a smoker he is not gonna live forever don’t feel bad about him)he lights a cigarette sits down and then throw it away(seriously bro just land and already pollute fuck this guy)they then carry on but he become gradually sick meanwhile the other group explore the abandoned spaceship and on it the fucker crew member cannot stop itself from touching the plant as well and inhale some of the weird powder.
They both of them become gradually sick one of them is brought back to the ship where he is treated by a black nurse(rather hot)and little did he know that pregnancy is not only for woman anymore (sex equality)since he is packed with a baby alien who will soon burst from his chest but first the other woman take off his shirt and see that his back has pimple on steroid who explode on his face she the go away lock the guy with the nurse and go report to the mothership but while she do it the nurse realises that the dude has brought a plus one on the ship.
His chest burst dropping something on the floor the nurse covered with blood crawl on the other side of the room then her friend come back she beg her to let her go and open the door but she don’t do it.
Then we realise than the thing on the floor is an alien he is so white and look like a baby alien he jump on the nurse and feed with her face.
Rather than running away the other one takes a gun and unlock the door in order to shoot it but of course miss every time the alien pursue her she try to shoot it more but must have shoot the wrong thing because the whole ship explode and we can see from the alien face that he does not believe how stupidest she is.
The other group try to go back to the ship the guy having inhaled the spore getting sicker by the minutes but stop abruptly when they see it explode it’s not the only thing exploding since the alien burst from the dude chest(yeah the other baby alien has finally someone to play with)
the alien attack the crew.
Since he was born today but was not stupid enough to know that he cannot fight he run away.
The night fall and the 2 puppies alien after what must have been an hour of getting to know each other commence pure frolicking go and attack the crew,they fight as much as they can but the alien are tough.
There is then a mysterious dude with a flare pistol who shoot in the air dispersing the alien he guide them through a sort of temple where there is a lot of corpse laying around and explain them that he was present on the crew of the Prometheus but some evil shit happened to his colleague.
He then offer the crew to stay there for the night since their only other option is to go back in the wild and have their asshole ripped in half by a bynome of alien wither than snow they gladly accept to stay.
The robot salute the other one since they can recognise each other and look alike.
He then take him in his den where he has drawing and weird specimen like fossil lying around he try to teach his robot brother (brobot)to play the flute in what must be the gayer line of the cinema he tell him something along the line of blow in the hole I will do the fingering once he showed him how to play the flute.
After the brobot managed to play in his turn flute by himself they both have a discussion about human being scared of them as they are able to create and being better than them.
They go outside then and speak about love and duty one think that he is in Love with human it’s why he help them the other think that it is out of duty.
We also get treated to a flashback dreamlike sequence where the robot is arriving on the planet with the shit and destroying the inhabitant who are white as fuck and looking at the ship with some kind of flying spore similar to what the human breathed before having a baby alien.
Then we get back to the temple where we see an alien coming in and then a woman washing her face the alien appear behind her as a last ditch for her survival she try to get her gun but it is too late the alien as a nice supper.
We see then a member of the stranded crew go to inspect but when he arrive we see the robot standing where the woman has been killed in front of the alien explaining to the crewmember than he is communicating with the alien and to not kill it which of course he does not do and manage to shoot the shit out of the alien.
The robot is very disappointed informing the crew member than the alien trusted him.
He then bring him to show him something in a cave like place where there is lot of egg the robot tell to the dude to look inside which of course the dude not knowing better do then as a Jack in the box spring a face hugger in order to kiss him.
He later wake up laying on the floor and ask the robot in what he believe the robot say in creation before that we can see the alien spring from the dude belly.
He then meets with the other robot(the one who was with the crew)back in his den he explains to him that he want to destroy all the humans (how typical)and ask him to join him the other robot not being a psychopath refuse so the psychobot kiss him (gaybot)and rip his circuit apart.
We then see the other members of the crew getting chased by the alien and not managing to kill it easily.
One of the member of the crew get thrown in the floor and kissed by a face hugger but another managed to take it off his face while the guy who just get French kissed look at the ceiling see the alien and go away leaving the guy who just help him get killed by the alien as a nice way to say thanks for interrupting the alien kiss.
They all leave the doomed temple still having an alien chasing their asses they get picked up by the spaceship and then try to take off but the alien climb on the ship.
One of the woman go on top of it and start a battle with it she get harnessed and shot and miss the alien who at some point go on the windshield and try to break it giving headbutt in a Zidane fashion.
Then the alien go back on the roof the pilot managed to capture it with a claw like apparatus and threw it abroad.
Then they all go back to the mothership and the dude get the nurse to tend him then everybody go to sleep.
And when you think the situation is over of course it’s not they get wake up by the mothership informing than the alien his on board.
They go to the infirmary and realised than the dude got back with a surprise hitchhiker and the alien bursted out of his shirt (ah these space colonist cannot explore new territory without getting pregnant)so the alien now is roaming the ship we see 2 of the crewmember naked in a shower getting freaky with each other when the alien put his tentacle in the shower.
The dude was leaning against the window of the shower the woman then see the alien who rip the dude face apart and proceed likewise with the woman.
The remaining member of the crew have a labyrinthine chase with the alien in the spaceship and managed to lock him in a space looking like a warehouse.
They manage to battle him and send him in back in space.
Then they get put asleep in their cocoon like thing but we realise than the robot on board is the evil one he put some alien egg or fossils that he had on him on a drawer and the credit start.
The good robot was not really killed I forgot he went back and kick the ass of the evil one but later we realise than the evil one managed to make it on the ship.
The good robot had his hand cut protecting a crew member from an alien attack which mean than the evil one either convinced the good one than being evil is the shit or the evil one cut his hand to infiltrate the ship way to flipping method act.