Gifts That Kill

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Ah the autumn the landscape and nature progressively and slowly starting to die order to regenerate next spring.

So many good thing to look forward too pumpkin spice lattee Halloween and little kid doing trick or treating.

There is curses in the air and this October is exceptional because we have as well a Friday the 13 but you are a bit sad because your friends don’t share the same sense of doom than you well you can easily share it and turn their life into an horror movie by offering them these creepy gift,haunting guarantee otherwise get your money back.

1 haunted mirror at Myrtles plantation:

We all have this self absorbed friend who is full of her/himself so what a better gift to offer them than a massive mirror for them to look at their perfectly shaped body.

Hours after you give the mirror your friend call you reporting strange and horrific vision in it for the first time in their life they are not contemplating themselves.

Your friend is very lucky to not have been snatched inside this giant mirror which contain the ghosts of children(the scariest one)and their mum who have been poisoned by their slave when they cooked their food.

After they died someone forget to cover all the mirror in the house which are supposed to be windows to the spirit world the ghosts since use it as a portal to this world.

Checking your hair has never been so dangerous.

2 The anguished man painting.

He might be anguished but he will terrorize you.

In keeping with the trend of offering doomed gift than you can just hang on the wall this creepy painting was painted(with mixing his own blood with paint to accentuate the red hue supposedly)by a dude who killed itself due to a probably highly conflicted mind and as well upon realising which atrocity he would have unleashed upon the world.

This painting like most macabre discovery was found in a basement by an English dude named Sean Harrison who while undoubtedly high thought it was a good idea to hang it on his house’s wall one dire day he was used to stare at it while young (that’s a miracle he did not become a serial killer)at his grandma’s house.

Soon after things mandatorily went South his family started experiencing door cracking in the middle of the night they heard screams and all justifiably had nightmares every night (hell that thing could give PTSD nightmare inducing to Freddie Kruegger)he since took the painting down and surprisingly did not burn it down.

Hopefully the man will not pop out of the pictures and slaughter the innocent in order to calm his anguish put the all thing to fire is the best way to make sure it will not he the case.

This is a good gift for any pretentious artsy people.

3 The Dybbuk box

A man named Kevin Mannix got the box which is a wine cabinet on Ebay for a price allegedly way to high considering the object story.

He gave him and everybody around him constant nightmare(the true telltale of jinxed material)along with a good reason to fill it with bottles and drink them all.

He gave the box to his mother and she suffered a stroke on the same day (the only way to make this sadder is than it happened on mother day)all the owner since he got rid of it reported terrible stuff happening to them one of them named Jason Haxton developed a rare skin condition.

The box origin has been tracked back to a holocaust survivor and is believed to be possessed by a Dybbuk a malicious spirit who is restless and haunt and posses the living Haxton with a team of local Rabbis decided to hide the box away in order to prevent bad stuff to happen to good people.

And I am the only one who find irony in the fact than a box supposed to contain spirit and liquor contain a true spirit.

This is a good gift for people trying to sober up.

4 The chair of death

This one is a boring everyday item the most banal possible a chair who belonged to a murderer named Thomas Busby before being hanged he requested to have a last meal at his favorite pub once he finished the said meal he stood and declared”May sudden death come to anyone who dare sit on my chair”one can only imagine he added”along with good ale and a side of fries”since then 63 peoples(most of them were army people from RAF and also drunk driving and cycling but still)who supposedly sat on this chair died sometimes mere moment after sitting on.

When the number became too high the pub owner gave the chair to a museum (what is with people not wanting to burn haunted shit)
who has hung the chair at 1.5 meter of the ground preventing only small people to sit on but not very determined people.

This is a good gift for people liking to stay at home but wanting to take risk at the same time.

5 The Maori warrior mask

The Maori are these famous warrior of New Zealand were used to carve mask before heading to battle they believed than any man dying into battle would leave his soul into the mask.

These mask are sexist because while nothing happen to man getting close to them they only seems to target

pregnant woman triggering complication and other unfortunate event during their pregnancy.

It has been serious enough apparently than several museum displaying the masks deemed important to put a warning for pregnant woman to not get near them.

It can only be a nocebo effect and not a curse but if you are expecting you don’t want to take any risk.

This is the perfect ironical gift for someone who is pro anti abortion.

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Review of “Lego Ninjago”

Who could think than a company which started by selling block that you assemble together would become such a franchise.

Their universe is so broad and varied than one can honestly say that even if they have so many block they don’t have any creativity block.

The story:

We open the scene with a little boy entering a Chinese shop and checking everything around him he will encounter Jackie Chan who is the shop owner and at first he appears stern he will become kind after a bit.

He own a cat who is grumpy and prone to scratch him and attack him spontaneously,the little boy show is Lego character to Jackie Chan who make the toy turn into a Lego ninja he then tell the boy the story of ninjago.

It’s basically this island who is in front of a volcano where a dark warrior conqueror live and attack the city repeatedly but is constantly thwarted by a group of ninja who have each different color representing each different elements and their monster themed vehicle(kind of like Power Rangers)the dark lord throw every effort and idea he has to conquer the island but constantly fail but he does not fail at being the most determined character ever.

One of the ninja is the son of the villain so he is an outcast in the city and is life is harder because of that on top of the fact than his dad pay of much attention to him than an alcoholic to differents method to stop drinking.

The character have each unexpectedly well developed personality when we think than they are originally just Lego.

The jokes are awesome so many pun and good one at that I don’t recall hearing a bad jokes at any moment in the movie and even if there was one it flew above the radar in order to masterfully land.

The action scene are incredible and very well done it make us forget than it’s only Lego and sometimes feel like it’s a state of the art video game.

The scenario is very coherent as well and captivating I never felt bored at any point during the moment there is always something surprising and funny happening.

Conclusion:This movie could have been half assed due to the fact than by virtue of having Jackie Chan and a cute cat in it this would be awesome by default but they thankfully did not follow this lazy road choosing instead of work very hard on this movie writing,acting and technical side where they move the Lego and create beautiful scenery with it (Legoing)after 3 movies it would be normal to think than the concept is repeating and exhaust itself but they are still brilliant and amazing I really look forward for another movie and they really know how to make me feel like a little kid with no worries in the world but having the best Lego and I feel into the enchanting well of Nostalgia watching this uplifting movie.

Review of “Home Again”

Home again:

This one is a review of a romantic comedy with Reese Witherspoon yep I know don’t judge me I have a cineworld card unlimited got to use this thing at some point.

I am not usually fan of love movie I will not watch them unless my life depends on it but this days the boredom was so intense than the situation seemed to call for it.

So there it’s what I think.

The story:

The daughter of a successful movie director who recently passed away is a divorcee living with her 2 daughter and she work as an art designer on one side.

On the other side there is these 3 guys who made a movie and wants it to get fund they are all living in Los Angeles the land of American dreams and opportunity.

One evening in a pub while Reese is celebrating her birthday she bump into one of these guys and have one night stand she bring her friends as well along with the guys friend back to her home.

The next morning the wake up is obviously odd since most of these people are not in their place Reese however was already waked uo since 05:00 in the morning and then iron the dude shirt then her daughters later came back with her mum who was keeping her.

One of the guy realised than her dad was a movie realisator and her mum an actress so they strike a good friendship together and stay at their place.

Then Reese husband is coming back home trying to win back her heart but with 3 young guys in the house thing are getting tricky and out of hand very quickly.

Addendum Simon Pegg and Michael Sheen(who is Reese Witherspoon husban)look totally the same one is blond and one is dark haired one is English and one is Welsh they are born on the same island maybe they are long lost brother after all.

Conclusion:

This movie is not the ultimate love story or will not remain in your memory forever the romance between the young actor and Reese is cute and not too cheesy although nothing groundbreaking to see there.

Then there is some wacky scene and cheerful scene as well I like the fact than part of the story is revolving around these creative people like starving artist trying to put their project together.

There is a part where the screenwriter help Reese daughter to overcome stage fright and goes at the last moment behind the scene to give her courage it is uplifting scene to see.

The story is somewhat lacking in strong engagements and high stakes from the actors but I was not expecting to see the ultimate love story being played on screen it is rather unpretentious movie depicting the messy life than a divorcee mother can have and as well unexpectedly the life of starving gifted artist and the struggle than they might encounter before making it big.

There is as well a nice part about friendship and than no matter the challenge that we encounter we should always keep it together.

It is a good boring afternoon killer as a movie it is 2 hours long but it does not feel like it is dragging unterminably so it was overall mildly entertaining I am not gonna make an habit out of watching romance movie but they are not all as bad as I was expecting surprisingly enough.

Mass Shooting in Vegas

 

Ah Vegas the city of sins where anything can happen but what mostly happen is than you end up broke and get drunkenly married to a woman you have no recollection having ever meet the next morning by a priest with more sin in his life than there is flashy light in the Casino.

Now something more can happen someone can randomly shoot your ass out of nowhere at the most random time so basically when you are in the middle of your wedding and the priest tell you if you accept the contract until death split you apart it might be sooner than you think.

Tourism in America is really getting murdered as well they have a demonic president and this kind of shit is continuing happening when it’s not shooting it’s weather or the grim reminder than they are on the brink of nuclear anhilation with North Korea,is there a crack leading to hell which recently opened under the country and could be the reason everything went south so fucking fast.

The murderer was an accountant forgive this fucking joke but he really make thing count right there he fucking established a killing records it will not be published in the Guinness book but hopefully it will make thing change and maybe American will think about banishing the right to own a firearm to oblivion.

Why they have this hardwired necessity to have firearm on them at all time surely not all of them must have something to compensate for there is 112 gun for 100 residenr which mean than not only every household have a gun but as well one on the side in case the regular one get jammed.

As well we don’t see as much of an outcry and people are not bitching as much as if the killer was Muslim maybe American in their almighty dumbassery will try to create a ban against accountant one of my good friend is Muslim and accountant if he goes to this country he will feel like he has hit the jackpot in the hatred department.

This fucking country has officially become a GTA game on steroid it seems like for anyone to have any kind of gun it is as easy to fucking type a cheatcode on the controller and then you can go on a rampage why moffos have war weapon on them and what is the fucking limit if there is even one to the kind of arsenal they can have can they get a rocket launcher or a fucking tank of they wish I know it’s only across the Atlantic but the craziness of the situation make it feel like it’s in another dimension one which would make Deadpool seems like a pacifist by comparison.

Review of “13 Sins”

13 sins review:

No I am not gonna depict my sinner life beside the total is more than 13 and I am still counting.

This is my impressions on this original crazy thriller than I watched and it is surprisingly good with a very simple concept.

The story:

We follow this salesman who has a pregnant wife and both of them will get married he has been called into office by his job and feel very nervous not knowing why.

It turns out than he is getting fired because his boos is an overly hateful bastard whose picture we should put on punching bag to properly train boxer since his face is extremely punchable he is laying him out because he does not oversell unnecessary shit to people and put them in debt which is a fucked up reason to be fired but the righteous way to do his job.

Soon after we realise than the salesman is the only provider in his family with an elderly widowed dad,a mentally challenged brother and his black pregnant wife he is also already recordly high in debt so thing are at their lowest point for him.

He need to take some distance from the situation so take his car and drive as far away as he can which is what one tend to do when his life is in shamble.

Then he stop his car and get pestered by an annoying fly in the car he receive a phone call from a stranger having the voice of Michael J Fox and telling him than they are fully aware of how bankrupt and fucked up he is at the moment but if he complete 13 tasks he will get money and all his problem will go away so it’s kind of like a fucked up contest where the first task is to swat the fly instead of just opening the window and make it go away then once he has done that he receive money showing than whoever this dude is he means business.

The second challenge is to eat the fly and from then on it will escalate but they are always means spirited things otherwise it would not be called sin but 13 good deed it does not have the same appeal for some reason.

I will not go into too much details but some of the culminating point is to get the dead body from a suicidee to have a coffee in front of him when he is surrounded by cop in a coffee shop and the wackiest is to trade an ostrich to an hobo for his clothes he has some heated encounter with the police and the movie never get boring at any point as we are always guessing what will be the next challenge.

Conclusion:The concept of the movie is so simple than it’s brilliant it is similar to saw with a twist and way less gratuitous gore scene,the movie has very good ideas for the challenge and althought there is some plot points they are not so glaringly obvious than its spoiling the pleasure the actors are remarkably good as well and we are left hankering to know more about equally mysterious and ubiquitous organisation which launched this wicked game.

Review of “Flat Liner”

 

Nothing about this movie is good I usually try to find positives thing to say about movie I watch in the review that I write because the only reason I do all of this is that it procurate me pleasure and I am passionate about art but the title of this movie should have just been”flat”as a warning to the spectator on what unprecedented boredom your brain would have to deal with.

So let’s see if I can find something positive about this movie.

Story:

This had potential but did not live to it unfortunately,we are following a bunch of intern medical student who are dealing with patient in the same way they do in doctor house well except than in doctor house they are accomplished doctor so this hospital endanger his patient from allowing student to deal with them while still be learning.

One of the doctor was with her sister in a car and had an accident and send the car flying into a river and her sister into a comatose at the same time getting a weird obsession about out of body experiment and what happen to our brain after we die.

So she will use the hospital basement for her own little experiment in order to try to discover the secret to the afterlife only that making me feel even more unambitious than usual.

But seeing what is happening to them afterward I am glad to not have very much ambition.

Basically at first they will trigger death in their bodies being monitored and supervised by each other who are still fucking studying all that complex stuff called medicine.

They will all have their own out of body experience and will manage to get back but there will be some side effect good (they gain instant knowledge of stuff they never done before like playing piano or other skills and are less shitty doctor)and bad as well (they get haunting vision and get hurt and fucking killed)they all have skeleton in their closet on top of being boring person what are the odds.

They will get haunted by their past in the form of vision seeping in real life the main character get killed because she see the ghost of her sister and rather than trying to fucking speak with her she try to run away from it and end up being killed jumping from a balcony.

Everybody else realise than shit just hit the fan so they try to find people they wronged in the past and make amend thus stopping the vision and haunting.

One of the doctor was haunted by his wife and son than he left but they are still fucking alive which shows than this movie does not understand how ghost works like the essential thing about a ghost is the person is supposed to be dead before becoming one that’s like an entry requirement of the whole conditions but here since there is no fucking rules our main character get haunted by their past and people that they wrong never mind than they are still alive.

Actors and movie atmosphere:

From my understanding it is hard to make a very good horror movie most of the quality rest on the characters the surprise effect and the tension which the movie manage to fuck all of these thing at once,the actors seems invested but fails to deliver a good performance all of the scene which are supposed to be dramatic or horrific are making the viewer feel uninfected and therefore are a hell of a big fail.

The movie try to convey emotion but does not know how to do it and boredom is the only emotion doled out in an overwhelming quantity here.

Dumbest moment for me:

The vision than one of the student has is of his wife and kid than he abandoned but are still alive at some point while escaping them when he is alone on his boat he dive overboard then get back into the pier he get stabbed in the hand by his wife so definitely fucking ghost can exist even if the person is still alive in 2017 it give me an idea to experiment at my work I will try to get myself a ghost and send him instead of me.

Also at some point 2 student play prank at the detriment of a patient he send his colleague shave the balls of the wrong patient in order for him to have a surgery but the patient of course look scared and confused the student have pulled out a successful prank than even an idiot 10 years old would think twice about doing and was laughing his ass off instead of caring equally for all the patient I hope he fail medicine since he failed at being an human being.

The good thing of this movie is than it gives hope to all the director ou there having some good stuff but highly doubting about themselves this movie send the following message to them,go ahead whatever you have on your hand put it out there if this terrible movie managed to be made anyone can make anything.

I just really don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing.

Conclusion:

The movie could have been very good and had a tremendous potential for making the spectator scared and shiver but with uninvested actor and sloppy storytelling they managed to make a flop I hope the director never flatliner because otherwise he might get haunted by all the disappointed spectator who have seen the movie and will not have enough time in his life to properly apologise to everybody.

 

Inspiration Spots

 

I don’t know if there is some better place to write than other if you love procrastination but still want to get things done you can do it from the toilet at work this way you get paid to be an artist(not that I ever did that just throwing idea around here)but this is the place I would not recommend writing.

Lost in the ocean:I know it’s tempting you are doomed lost in the middle of the sea and your network has no brick displaying next to it but you have your waterproof phone and all these wave coming and going are lulling your mind so it’s a good way to stay sharp waiting for the shark with the added benefit than if someone find your phone and recover the text they will know how harrowing was your last hours.

Lost in the desert:it is the same than the above except way hotter and drier you need some water but when the heat reduce your brain to the size of a raisin you will start hallucinate and start seeing mirage some of them might look beautiful some other terrifying.
You should write about them in case the bedouins find you,you can barter your stories against some good food and water and be back on your feat in no time thanks to the magic of story telling if you are lucky and charming they might even give you a camel to ride.

Falling from a plane on fire having forgotten your parachute:
You are free falling to your doom this is a fact as certain and unavoidable than death which you will meet soon.
What you can do here is take pictures of the panorama and express how breathtaking they are while your also write your will if you have something to give to your family and friends.
If you don’t have a go pro on you try to take as many pictures as possible this way when they will pick you up and put you into your casket the wake will look very artsy bexause they will recover the image from your phone and hang them on the wall and who knows maybe someone might wants to buy your picture making you a posthumous celebrity.

Running away from a volcano:you heard the biggest explosion ever and see everyone around you run as fast as possible like if there was a sudden unscheduled marathon and everybody is participating.
But looking at the sky you can see the darkest cloud ever seen almost as dark as an accountant heart and then on the land some red lava moving slowly but surely destructing everything on his pathway.
You have seen Pompei you know than you might become a statue once again an opportunity for art,record your last though on your phone and then take the pose and flip the birds with your right and left hand properly greeting whomever will find you in 500 years from now.

Stuck in a gang war:This is it you wondered on the wrong side of town without ever knowing it as a matter of fact to be precise you are on the border between the 2 wrong side of town (the only good side of town is around the townhall where all the bank are)then you witness it shooting everywhere and people on the 2 different faction dressed in different colors.
The blue wants to kill the yellow and you are smack dab in the middle of a rain of bullet the whizzing are inspiring you to write before taking a one in the face,you write like never knowing than the next coma could be the last one on your life taking a stray bullet can happen so fast.

The art is at its best when it is a question of life or death sure you could run away from the danger but how droll and predictable.

No you are an artist you owe it to yourself to act differently wipe out your phone or notebook and start writing death might not come for you if it sees that you are too focuse not wanting to bother you and break your creative strike.

And even if it come for you surprise it by looking at your watch when it arrives asking what took it so long,be unique and have an attitude no matter how insane or dangerous is the situation,lot of artist did not make it big before being picked up by death anyway.

Review of “The Midnight Meat Train”

 

Nope it’s not the name of a train wagon dealing hot dog and steak to worker and drunker trying to get back home using the tube it’s worst than that.

This is a movie with Bradley Cooper way before he hang out with a talking tree and simultaneously shoot zinger and alien in the face as rocket racoon the best character ever.

Well his character in this movie is a photograph so he still shoot but instead of saving hearth he want to make it big as an artist by showing some aspect of New York mainly bad aspect such depravity and sins and insecurity his girlfriend arranged a meeting with a woman who is very influencial and has art gallery she do so by talking to his best friend who apparently knows a lot of fancy people and get him to arrange the meeting.

So he turn up to the meeting right on time and she is late and she justify herself by explaining than punctuality is not a valuable quality to artsy people thus establishing herself like a lofti posh bitch who consider other like her servant what a likable character indeed.

He show her his work one of his best picture according to him is a hobo who has fallen asleep on the tube seat and was almost touching the rich one there was missing the reaction of the rich person displaying the divide between poor and rich people so she asked him to come with more shocking pictures.

Finding himself a new fascination for the dark side of New York he leave every evening to try to capture crime being committed in pictures making him a prime dickhead or a lame vigilante he follow this bunch of youngster who are black so therefore since he is also a racist because if you are a bad person why stop until you emcompass all the bad aspect of humanity.

He find them in a tube station staircase almost mugging a Chinese woman who is also a model he stop them by pointing than they are on CCTV the model smoosh him before taking her train the midnight one and know you kind of guess which gruesome and grisly direction the movie is taking yep she get butchered by a sadistic killer played by Ralph Fiennes.

The next day when the photographer see the crime in the newspaper he go to the police and the inspector tell him than they will open an investigation and is quote disgusted at his hobbies.

But since the photographer is bored as fuck and really need a life he is investigating on his own manage to meet the killer in one of the wagon and follow him.

From that point there is scene where the butcher is murdering people in the wagon and then clean the scene at the terminus while the photographer is trying to make sense of his modus operandi even following him everywhere almost getting got by the butcher taking picture of him at his work he manage to run and get off the hook as in avoiding to have a butcher hook on his face by hitching a ride on the back of a truck.

We also see a scene where the killer almost get his ass kick in the wagon by one of the victim but the train driver shot him in the face being an accomplice to the murder.

The girlfriend of the photographer realising than he lose his grip on reality goes to the butcher apartment she knows the location because the photographer showed it to her she convince his best friend to come along as well in order to gather evidence.

They go through the apartment bit the butcher comes back and catch the best friend then the girlfriend run and go to the cop who does not care she stole a diary who report the murder since 1895 making the butcher a time traveler.

She decide to take matter in her own hand and goes to the midnight train to catch and confront the killer once in it she goes into a wagon where there is lot of corpse suspended upside down and amongst them the best friend she is surprised by the killer and try to run away but unsuccessfully then her boyfriend come to save her.

We assist to a fight between a photograph and a butcher in a train wagon but corpse suspending and their balls dick and ass in plain sight so it’s equally awful and cool in some strange way the photographer managed to kick the butcher out of the wagon and on the rail track.

Then they arrive at the terminus the driver unload the corpse to feed them to a bunch of giant ass lizard people explaining than someone need to feed them killing the girlfriend and making the photographer the new killer because during one of his previous encounter with the killer he marked him.

The movie end on a shot of him in the wagon.

Conclusion:so basically there is no fucking CCTV on the wagon themselves and the lizard people conspiracy has been used in the worst way possible to conclude a movie.

I watched this movie for Bradley Cooper and the fucking story has potential for a near slasher movie but there is a shit ton of plot hole and the ending is very mind melting so much it does not make sense.

The scene of killing are very gore and bloody so it is not for people who are faint of earth it’s like so with no convoluted trap and in a train.

The acto

Review of “Housebound”

 

Movie are like food we need to experience them from everywhere around the world to fully appreciate them this is why I checked this one from New Zealand.

This movie is simply awesome it’s a scary movie which is also hilarious at time and it had me jump scared once which is more than what most horror movie can accomplish.

The story:

After the hilarious robbery of an ATM in the most wacky way Kylie car is stalling and the police catch up with her which lead her to be appearing in court and being put in her mum house with a tracker on her ankle to make sure that she does not leave.

So she is basically grounded in her mum house it is a small house not too old but full of noise which lead her mum to believe than it is haunted she is one evening speaking on a talk show in the radio and Kylie hear her.

Soon after she will hear the noise as well and witness what might appear to be surnatural manifestation so she call her guardian Amos and they all together will investigate and see which secret the house is holding.

They also have a creepy neighboor and Kylie relation with her mum and step father as a rebel adult forced to live again at home is very odd and funny.

The shot and overall ambiance of the movie make us really feel like we are in the house trapped with Kylie we can relate to the main character and therefore really feel involved in this movie and care which lot of horror movie fail to accomplish by not giving enough dimension to their lead this one feel very good in that aspect.

The actor without being very famous are doing a hell of a convincing job and we can really feel that they took pleasure making this movie.

This movie is with his own twist and take on the haunted house trope making it highly original and so much entertaining very creative and endearing story making it stand out on its own and you will definitely remember it.

I keep the review very short because I don’t want to give to much away the plot of the story or spoil any scary moment but this movie is kind of like an ovni in the sense than he perfectly blend humour and horror and never once make you feel bored.

I don’t know why it is not more famous but from my experience lot of exquisite quality movie never get the notoriety or the credit than they truly deserve meanwhile everybody heard of saw and probably seen more than 2 movie in the series.

I really recommend to check this one up especially if you recently watched saw and want to have a reminder of what an excellent movie is supposed to look like it really give me hope for horror movie and their overall quality.

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